Chasing an Illusion
by bloodcurse
Summary: This a story about pain, and anguish, about love, spoken through actions and stolen glances. HrD
1. Prologue

'tis a sick love that was borne between them

A love borne of hate,

strewn with anger, lust and greed.

For this kind of love,

there can be no happiness.

only pain.

And pain shall follow them,

the way death follows the devil.


	2. Chapter one: A Chance Encounter

Draco was attempting to study for his History of Magic test for tomorrow, twirling the quill between his fingers absently. Bloody hell, this just wasn't going to work, he'd been staring at the same page for the past one hour, but so far just about the only thing he had absorbed was the introduction to the chapter. The truth was, he had other, more important things to think about rather what some dusty old wizard did 200 years ago. Maybe if he took a short nap he would be able to think clearer. Yes, that would help clear his mind just five minutes …more than…More than enough…time…

                                                   ***

Hermione slipped into the room and quietly took off the invisibility cloak she had borrowed from Harry. "_Lumos," she whispered._

It was late at night, way past curfew; she should have been back in bed sleeping by now, but she just had to catch up a little on her Arithmancy assignment. It wasn't due till next week, but still, she felt it was better to get it done first. The sooner the better (before Snape decides to pile on another chunk of homework).

She could have studied just as well back in the Gryffindor common room, but somehow, she preferred to study in this musty room hidden near the back of the library. It was restricted, but nobody would know, no one else knew this room existed anyway. 

Hermione put her books down on the table, and was about to light a candle when she spied the shimmer of silver in the dark. Curious…What was that? She moved closer to the sofa beside the desk, closer to the silver object and found that it was...Malfoy? The light from her wand reflected from his pale blonde hair. Curious. What was Malfoy doing in this room?  And what was that in his hands? She moved the wand closer to the book in his arms and read the title: _History of Magic._

He was studying for tomorrow's test? Interesting. His grades in class were fairly decent (only slightly less than hers actually,) but she'd never caught him studying. Very interesting.

She picked up her books moved towards the door; well it appeared that she would be studying in the Gryffindor common room after all. She smirked. Never mind, at least she did learn something amusing tonight. Malfoys do study after all. Even though she could almost hear him denying it, "A Malfoy, study? Never. Granger, all that dust from those musty books you lug around must be getting to your head. Keep studying, and you might even get dumber."

Hermione opened the door and stepped into the doorway, but as an afterthought she turned around and whispered a simple charm to remove the giant inkblot that had formed on Draco's left cheek from sleeping on his quill. If studying didn't ruin his reputation, a giant ink on his face would surely give it away. A most inappropriate way to ruin one's reputation; it would be…too easy. With that thought, Hermione left the room, leaving Draco sprawled on the sofa, hugging his History book.


	3. Chapter two: Again?

Just doing it this time wouldn't have made it go away. No, it would have to be someone else, someone that he could actually scar, if not emotionally, then physically; so this time, the likes of Pansy would be useless, because they actually wanted it.

As if to answer his prayers, at that moment, door creaked open, although he did not see anything actually walk into the room. He watched in the darkness as a split second later, a silvery piece of cloth fell seemingly out of thin air, to reveal...Hermione Granger. Perfect. Just the victim he was looking for. During the day, he had tormented her incessantly, (nothing like some good old Slytherin fun.) But then, like she always said. 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but _your_ words will never hurt me.' Sticks and stones eh? (What kind of crummy muggle cliché was that anyway?) This would be the perfect chance to change that.

*** 

After putting her books on the desk, she suddenly realized that she wasn't alone in the room. Draco was sleeping on the sofa again. Muttering something that most people would not have expected her to say, she began to pack up her belongings. It was the second time this week. Second! Why couldn't he have slept in his dormitory? Why in Merlin's name, would he decide to sleep here? This wasn't exactly the most comfy place to fall asleep. It was dark, musty and…maybe a Slytherin would choose to sleep here after all. She was sure that the Slytherin common room would have been in a similar condition anyway, considering the fact that it was located down in a dungeons. Maybe not as dusty, but still...

Hearing the words that Hermione had muttered nearly made him laugh out loud; instead he settled for a smirk in the darkness, quietly enjoying this little 'moment'. Who would have thought? Hermione Granger, swearing? That would be about as possible as Snape and Sirius Black being best mates. Then, to Hermione's surprise, Draco, who was supposed to be fast asleep got up, and walked to the bed behind Hermione.

He lied down on the dusty bed and placed his legs in what must have been an extremely uncomfortable position to sleep in. It was an uncomfortable position to be in even if he was awake, but it effectively blocked the door, and thus, her from leaving. By now he thought she might have realized that he wasn't sleeping, and opened his eyes to look at her.

"Hello, Granger."

She stood there, not half a foot away from him, blinking in surprise , apparently dumbfounded by his actions. This was the last thing she would have expected, being so preoccupied thinking about what to write for Snape's assignment that she hadn't realized that Malfoy had been watching her in the dark.

She turned around to pack up the rest of her books but stopped suddenly and calmly said, "Malfoy, get your hands off my bum."

Surprisingly, he complied but when she turned around to leave he suddenly reached out a hand and laid it on her chest. Now she was getting a  annoyed. She shot him a look and reached into her pocket for her wand, but stopped midway" What do you think you're doing? Get your filthy hands off my chest."

He smirked but took his hand off her chest, "Mmmm... Not bad."

She would have liked to hex him, but right now she didn't have time. She had homework to do, this could wait for another day.

Usually Malfoy stuck to taunting her verbally, why was he suddenly touching her? More importantly, why did she hesitate in hexing him? Was it really just because of homework? She could have sworn that she felt her heart skip a beat too.

Suddenly she snapped back to reality. Rubbish! Total, utter rubbish! What was she thinking? This was Malfoy she was talking about. All the dust must have gone to her head. That's it, I've inhaled too much dust... and I was just about to sneeze, that's what that feeling must have been. With that thought, she took a step towards the door, and bumped into Malfoy's legs.

"Oh... I see, do you really want to do it right now? I thought you came here to study?" drawled Malfoy.

"Malfoy..." she gritted her teeth. Somehow she may not have minded Malfoy touching her, but talking to Malfoy, was something else all together. "Get out of my way!", she hissed.

Malfoy, who had been most amused, lying on the bed studying her rather predictable reactions suddenly shifted his legs and made way for her to pass. "Oh well, some other time then."

Before she could walk out the door she heard him say, "Hmmm...What about tomorrow night? I don't think I have anything planned then. I mean of course, if you really want to..." And paused a moment.

"In your dreams Malfoy. In your dreams." Then she draped the cloak over herself and walked out the door.

***

Oh what fun, I never knew that Granger was so easy to manipulate. My, my, and what a temper she's got, it's almost comparable to Weasley. How I shall be looking forward to tomorrow.


	4. Chapter three: Something Has to Give

Hermione had been sitting in the Gryffindor common room all night, and was supposedly helping Neville with his transfiguration homework. Although, she seemed to have spent most of the time staring intently into the fire place. She didn't even seem to notice when he walked right past her to go to the kitchens to get a cup of hot chocolate.

She stood up suddenly, causing Neville, who had been sitting in front of her sipping a cup of hot chocolate, to drop the cup into his lap and yelp in pain as the steaming chocolate splattered all over his lap.

Harry and Ron, who had been on the sofa behind them, busy scribbling their latest divination Homework, heard Neville scream and turned around, only to see Hermione walk pointedly out of the Gryffindor common room.

"What happened to her?"

***

Forget it, she wasn't going to spend the whole night here 'tutoring' Neville, she thought as she walked out of the Gryffindor common room. It was not as if she was of any help to him like this. Better to get this all sorted out first. She'd go over there and 'resolve' things (meaning she would swear at him until her mood improved. It didn't matter that she usually didn't swear in public, he had already seen her swear that night anyway. Besides, he had caused her to lose an entire day, so technically he deserved it.)

The night before, after returning from the library she had spent the whole night and the early part of the morning in the Gryffindor common room doing research for Snape's essay, until she had fallen asleep. It would have been just another normal day, had she not bumped into Malfoy on the way to the dining hall.

_Hermione woke to find that she had fallen asleep on top of the _Potions Almanac_ she had been using to research for Snape's Assignment. She stretched her arms behind her head and yawned, feeling quite refreshed apart from a slight stiff neck from sleeping on the Almanac. That's odd, why is it so quiet? _

_Looking around the common room she suddenly realized that she was the only one left in the common room. Even Harry and Ron who were usually the last ones left in the Common room scribbling last minute homework seem to have left.  Good god, was she late for class? She stood up suddenly, and saw a small scrap of parchment flutter to the ground. It was a note from Harry and Ron._

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morning Hermione,

You looked so content fast asleep on that book (you were drooling on in -Ron) that we decided not to wake you up. Anyway, if you get this while its still breakfast time, we've gone down to the dining hall first. We'll save you a seat.

If you don't make it in time, I'll try to save you some scones... if Ron doesn't finish them all on the way up. (Hey! I resent that!-Ron)

Love,

Harry & Ron

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

_After reading the note, she smiled and put it down on the table, carefully tucking yesterday's notes into the almanac and closing it._

_***_

_She was about to reach the dining hall, when suddenly she felt icy fingers grab her hand. She felt his warm breath against her neck as he whispered, "Don't forget about tonight. I'll be waiting for you, at the usual place." Then just as suddenly as he had grabbed her, he let go, turned around and smirked at her, looking her up and down before he walked towards the Slytherin table._


	5. Chapter four: Confusion

Hermione knew exactly what he had wanted. Finally she had convinced herself to come here by telling herself, that she was only here to tell him off, and nothing more. But ever since she had decided to tell him off, she had been repeating it over and over again. Like a mantra. Was she really here just to tell him off? If so, then why did she have to repeat it over and over again, as if she was trying to make herself believe that there was no other reason?

***

This time before she entered, she knocked on the door. But when she pushed upon the door and entered, she found that Malfoy once again seemed to be fast asleep, but this time on the bed.

She smiled. Did he really think that she would buy it? She had already fallen for that trick once, she was not about to do it again. Her smile grew into a devious grin, as she thought of the perfect way to 'wake Malfoy up'. She walked soundlessly to the front of the bed where his head lay, and slowly, quietly reached for his nose; when she was rudely disrupted by a pair of arms that had shot out and wrapped itself around her slender waist, lifting her effortlessly to come to rest on top of Malfoy.

"Hello again, Granger. So eager to start?"

Out of the darkness, she saw could dimly see the outline of his face, and a pair of silver eyes twinkling mischievously. She struggled, "Let me go!" but he kept a firm hold of her, keeping her wriggling mass firmly in his lap.

She couldn't see his expression, but she knew that he was clearly enjoying himself; she could hear it in his voice. "Now, now, I wouldn't want to bruise you, would I?" By now he had sat up and he could feel his breath against his ears as he drawled, "Keep still and I won't hurt you... much, my pretty."

He smiled in the darkness as he reached for his wand by the bedside, his other arm still wrapped firmly around her waist, keeping her from getting up. He was enjoying himself immensely. This was far different from any other of the times he had done it with a girl. Probably, because they weren't afraid of him—they came willingly. As he fumbled in the darkness for his wand, he could feel her shoulders rigid against his chest. She wasn't struggling anymore, quite the opposite. She seemed to be staying curiously still.

***

Hermione stopped struggling. It was useless, he was simply too strong, she wouldn't be able to overpower him with brute strength. She cursed silently, why didn't she bring her wand along with her? She knew this would be trouble...Of course, there was that one thing that she could still do. He was after all, still a boy. She was about to make her move when suddenly he removed one arm from around her waist, she sucked in her breath and renewed her struggling, hoping to break his hold. Bloody hell, with one arm, Malfoy was still a lot stronger than her. She knew that he was a seeker, but he had always looked so pale and wiry, she didn't think he would actually have this much strength.

Then she paused a second, as her curiosity got the better of her. What would happen if she stayed? She knew what he wanted, and he had certainly given her enough hints for her to know that it wasn't her beaten to a bloody pulp. Maybe she could stay a while and play his 'game'. If need be, she could always off him in the middle of it and run away. He would probably have his guard down later anyway. She decided to stay, after all, she was more than a little afraid, but bravery isn't one thing that a Gryffindor lacks. 

Besides, it could turn out to be very interesting...

***

This was interesting, he thought as his fingers closed in on the tip of the wand. Was she trying to be brave? Valiant attempt at being in brave, but her body language gave it away. The entire length of her back was pressed against his chest as he leant forward to pick up the wand. "Granger, maybe you should relax a little. Your back seems to be a little stiff."

At this, he heard a little huff of indignation, but at the same time her back became a little less stiff.

Humph. Who was he to tell her that her back was stiff? She suddenly felt quite brave. Her fear seemed to be disappearing, almost as if she was becoming.... At ease with Malfoy (?) As for her back being stiff, anybody would feel uncomfortable being in such close proximity with someone whom they dislike. Especially if that's person's body were pressed against the entire length of their back and you could feel them breathing down your neck. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to relax. Ok, slow down. Slow down. Maybe there was another reason why she stayed. Maybe she was more than a little curious. She tried to take another deep breath, but it wasn't really working, what with Malfoy's chin on her shoulder has he tried to reach for something. Taking in another deep breath only meant taking in another good whiff at the scent of his herbal shampoo and spicy aftershave. Her heart was racing, and her thoughts were a mess. There was definitely something more than fear. She was nervous because this was her first time… but why did it feel like she was actually beginning to enjoy this?

"_Lumos!_"

When she opened her eyes the entire room had been illuminated by a soft yellow light.

"There, much better isn't it?" he drawled putting down the wand and turning his attention back to her. He drank in her wavy brown hair that flowed down her back in silk waves, and the smooth peaches and cream complexion of her skin. "Now what fun would it be, if we couldn't see each other?" he whispered into her ear, tickling her with his breath.

He saw her practically everyday, but never before at such a close distance. She wasn't the most beautiful girl in the magical realm, but stunning was close enough. Testing her trust, he slowly removed his arm from around her waist, but she didn't attempt to run away. Then he rested his hand on her calf, pulling up the hem of her robe till it reached her knee. While his other hand played with the strands of her silken brown hair, which was indeed as soft as it looked, then gently tucked the loose strands behind her right ear and swept her long hair neatly over her left shoulder. She felt him breathing against her neck and shoulder and tensed. Then she felt his lips brush against her ear. "This is your first time, isn't it?"

Before she could reply, he felt his lips brush touch her neck. She closed her eyes, and felt him continue to leave a trail of kisses down her neck. As he kissed her, he felt the tension in her neck melt away. 

Then he paused to pull down her robs, watching them fall neatly till her waist, before  reaching to the front to unbutton her shirt, his patience wore thin as he fumbled to unbutton it, She gently peeled away his hands and to his surprise, deftly unbuttoned half her shirt. "Hmm..." 

Until that moment, she had been passive, merely allowing him to touch her, but not responding to his touches even though she felt her skin tingle wherever he touched her, and already her neck was beginning to bruise in the places where he had bit down too hard.

He pushed away her shirt, letting it slide down her shoulders so he could get at her neck, and continued nibbling and kissing her neck. His hands slowly running up and down her arms causing her to shiver involuntarily. Her fear turned him on, but her tenaciousness despite this being the first time…

Finally he lowered her gently to the bed, and with one swift motion, threw his robes over his head and tossed it away.

After she watched him remove his robes, she too wriggled out of her own robes and skirt dropping it neatly beside the bed. He smiled when he saw her remove her robes, undoing his shirt at the same time. But in his smile there was no mirth, his eyes remained cold and hard, and there she saw only lust. She knew she was being used, but she didn't care anymore.

He moved on top of her, pinning her down with his arms and legs, she closed her eyes as his kisses begin to move downward until he was nibbling the edges of her bra, and tugging at  the straps. She thought he was going to undo her bra, when he suddenly seemed to change his mind, and his kisses begin to move upwards towards her face, all the while getting more urgent. When he reached her face he paused for a moment and pulled his face further away from her, as if to take a good look at her first. 

Honestly, he didn't know why suddenly changed his mind, his body wasn't even listening to his mind anymore. His heart was pounding, and as he kissed her chest, he could hear it beating in sync with his, and then something snapped, and he didn't know why but had a sudden urge to kiss her.

Her eyes widened, when she saw the look in his eyes, he probably didn't realize it. But there was something different. She couldn't explain it, but there was something else there besides the primal lust seen earlier but she didn't have anymore time to think, because a split second later his mouth was pressed against hers.

She expected them to be as forceful and passionate, like the rest had been before. But instead they were slow and gentle, almost questioning, and before long she felt herself responding to them, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He cupped his hands around her face as his kisses deepened and grew more urgent. The dull pang that he had felt in his heart all this while disappeared. Soon he found himself devouring her lips hungrily. For the moment it just felt so right, he almost felt … happy.

Then somewhere deep in his brain, it registered that it might not just be lust that was causing him to kiss her with such fervor.

He felt another tug deep in this heart; only this time it clearly did not make him happy, and was insisting that he stop kissing her.

Draco ignored in and continued to kiss her with even more vigor, basking in the momentary sense of euphoria it gave him, electricity shooting through his skin as her hands which had moved under his shirt, moved along the side of his body until they came to rest on his lower back, making slow circles. 

Until it was practically screaming at him to stop.

***

Abruptly, he pulled away from her, forcing her to release her hold on him.

What was that that he felt just now? It felt almost like pain, but it was definitely not pain, he knew what pain felt like. He replayed the scene in his head and felt the sudden tug, deep in his heart. What was that feeling that he felt, that stopped him from continuing?

Hermione looked up at him in surprise, her chest still heaving from the exertion. She didn't say anything, but as he watched her, his face still inches apart from hers, he could see the mixture of confusion and concern that clouded her eyes. He wanted to say something to her, but he could not find the words to day it... because he realized that he didn't know what he wanted to say.

He had pulled away from her, but not completely. His arms still pinned her to the sofa and his lower body straddling hers, panting heavily. He seemed as if he wanted to say something, but through his ragged breathing, all she could hear were incoherent syllables. He seemed to be hesitating, as their eyes gained focus and locked on to each other, she watched his steely eyes slowly transform, slowly the blank mask that he had used to conceal out all his emotions fell away into the darkness.  The more she stared, the more emotions she saw swirling in the depths. Besides the confusion and pain, she saw lust; he longed to continue what had started off as just a game, at the same she saw fear, fear of what she could not tell. But most of all, the pain, oh god, the pain...the pain that threatened to swallow up all others. She saw the battle raging in his mind, and suddenly she understood where the fear in his eyes stemmed from and she could see him fighting it with every ounce of his will. It seemed like they had been staring into each others eyes for an eternity, but neither one of them made a move to end it. 

Suddenly it seemed to her like she had never really known him before, only a shell, a shadow of the boy whose eyes silently pleaded her to take away all the pain. 

For the first time, she thought she saw the real person that lived behind those cold silver eyes, and at that very moment, he looked very much as if he was going to cry.

Oh Merlin, if she could she would have given up anything, if only she could have washed away all the pain, because he looked so very fragile. She reached her hand up to stroke his cheek, but he recoiled at her touch and pulled away entirely. 

He moved away from her and sat at the edge of the bed, his back faced towards her. His whole body was shaking, and his pulse was still racing. He felt his cheek still tingling from her touch. At that very moment, when she touched his cheek, it felt like electricity shot through every part of his body, the feeling that he had been trying so hard to ignore, pierced his heart, and he could not continue. He clenched his fists and closed his eyes, silently willing himself to regain composure.

At first, she didn't understand why he had pulled away, and she called out to him, but he did not respond. Finally a few moment moments, his cold voice cut through the silence.

He clenched his fists and forced himself to stay calm, praying that she wouldn't see that he was still shaking. Even as he talked to her, he refused to face her. If he saw the expression in her eyes, he knew that he would falter, and she would be able to see right through his lie.

Even as he spoke, he could feel his throat begin to close up, but he was determined not to let her know how he felt. "I've had enough. I don't want to continue. Please leave."


	6. Chapter 5: Frustrations

Taking only a moment to comprehend his words, she sat up abruptly, and turned her back towards him as she buttoned up her shirt, her back rigid.

Finally, he watched as she picked up the cloak and marched quickly to the door, cloak clenched tightly in her hands.

***

She was furious. Absolutely livid. Both because he had stopped, and also because at this moment she had to sneak stealthily back to the dorm, instead of being able to stomp down the halls to announce her presence and at the same time vent her anger.

She knew that whatever Draco had wanted, could never have been anything good. If he had wanted to her to come back to him, it was definitely not just a simple request. There had to be an ulterior motive. And yet she had come. It didn't take her by surprise at all when she had found out exactly what it was he had wanted. Her foot came down particularly hard against the stone floors, echoing down the corridor as she tried to stomp out the scene that had began to replay itself in her mind. _Why did he stop_? She hadn't expected that.

Up until that moment, today had undoubtedly been one of the most tiring days of her life; her heart battling furiously with her mind the entire day. Until finally, something had to give, and she had plucked up the courage to meet him again. At this, she felt the burning fury in her heart begin to grow. She swallowed hard, trying to wash away the bitter aftertaste in her mouth; it had taken up all her strength, to finally muster the courage to come back... and he rejected her? Was she not good enough?

She couldn't understand why he had stopped. She knew at first he had been toying with her, but somewhere along the way… Something seemed to have changed. Why did he stop then? Was he only pretending? Throughout the entire scene, he hardly said a word to her, but all those things that she had seen in her eyes... weren't those real? Was the entire thing an act? Was it all just to hurt her?

***

By now Hermione had made it make to the dorm, managing not to wake up anybody, or scream in frustration. Then, as if she had not already suffered enough torture, when she went to the washroom to wash up before sleeping, she suddenly thought of the way that he had kissed her, so fiercely and passionately, almost hungrily; and that scene played over and over again in her mind, until she felt herself sink to the ground and give in to the hurt and confusion that had fueled her anger, on the long walk back to the Gryffindor Dormitories.

For a long time she sat on the floor, tears running down her face, her sobs echoing throughout the entire dormitory.

***

While she finally been able to pull herself off the floor, she had continued to cry, even while brushing her teeth. By the time she lay on her been thinking, her throat had begin to feel hoarse from crying, and her face had long since dried, because she had cried until there were no more tears left to cry.

***

After she left, he let the mask fall and crumble to pieces. He sat slumped on the sofa, his hair disheveled, and a hand digging into his face.It wasn't like tonight was the first time he had such liaisons. It's just that he usually chose Pansy, or the likes of her to fulfill his _needs_.

The only reason he had chosen Granger tonight was that he felt the growing need to distract himself from the pain he felt, the incessant burdens and demons that tormented his mind relentlessly. What better way was there to cure pain, than inflict pain on someone else.

He let his hands fall from his face, as he stared into the darkness. This was the last thing he would have expected to happen. Where had he gone wrong? Granger would have been the perfect victim. So why did he feel this way? There was no absolutely no logical reason he should be feeling this way, and yet the feeling was undeniable. How could he have fallen for Granger? A mudblood-- wait a minute ... did he just say Granger? Fallen for Granger!?

He felt his heart sink as he realized what just happened. He knew that he had just let the one thing that he swore would never happen...happen. Not only had he fallen in love, he had just fallen for the one girl he could never hope to win, the one that he would NEVER imagine trying to anyway. There would be hell to pay for this later, he was sure of it. This wasn't supposed to happen! He didn't have time to deal with another burden, not now.

He hung his head as he felt the despair begin to set in. Oh yes, there'd be hell to pay alright... and it's starting now. He felt himself beginning to regret stopping. Now he actually wanted her to come back. For an entirely different reason.

As sure as he was that she would come tonight, he was sure she wasn't ever going to come back. From now on, life was going to be very difficult. He was accustomed to feeling pain, and inflicting pain and fear on others. But love? This he had never tried before, not to mention that he never thought that he would ever be rejected or snubbed by anyone else. (Since he was pretty sure she wouldn't come back).Thinking about this, he was beginning to dread the next day more and more. How was he going to face Granger tomorrow? Was he supposed to..Continue insulting her? Pretend like it never happened? 

Usually, after the night was over, both parties would pretend like it never happened. Being discreet was important; it wasn't very becoming of a Slytherin, much less a Malfoy, to have rumors flying about all over the place. Of course, he knew that he was devastatingly handsome, and much sought after, but as of yet, there had been no incriminating evidence to start a rumor with. Then again... this was different, wasn't it? It was Granger this time, and she was much smarter then any of the other nitwits he had ever slept with, even counting the few Ravenclaws he had slept with.

He slumped back on the sofa and screwed his eyes shut as a thousand new questions assaulted his mind. He didn't need this. THIS was the last thing he needed to deal with right now.


	7. Chapter 6: Sleepless

That night she fell into a long and fitful sleep, and when she woke up, although she still felt drained, and her eyes were still puffy, at least she felt slightly better, because she had made up her mind on something.

This thought alone, was enough to make her smile, even a little, as she reached for the wand at her bedside to perform a little cosmetic charm to conceal her red puffy eyes. As she got out of bed and pulled aside the curtain that went around her bed, she looked around and realized that she was the first to wake, and that the sun was only just rising. She reached behind the curtain and pulled out her quilt, wrapping it around herself before walking to the full length windows at the end of the girls' dormitory, to watch the sunrise.

What he had done to her yesterday still hurt, and she still didn't understand it, but she had known all along that it would have been a bad choice to come back, but she had come anyway. Next time… no, not next time, there would not be next time; she would NEVER listen to him again. She would ignore Malfoy, and just pretend like it never happened.

***

Malfoy lay on his bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, watching as it started to grow lighter.

He hadn't slept one bloody wink the whole night. The moment he shut his eyes, yesterday's events begun to replay itself over and over again, preventing him from sleeping. When his eyes were open, one thousand questions begin to swarm into his head, accompanied by an eerie cackling at the back of his head. One more demon had been just added to the legion of demons that were already living in his head.

He had stayed up all night, replaying the scenes in his mind, and thinking of many different solutions to the problem, but every time he thought of a possible solution, the voice in his head shot him down.

He had thought about apologizing to her but then the voice in his head said:

_Do you really think she'll believe you? How are going to explain it to her? How do you think she'll react when you tell her that you work for Voldemort?_

_Even if she does believe you, do you think you can make her happy? Can you protect from evil? _it laughed. _You work for Voldemort._

_Give it up. You cannot escape. You have already pledged yourself to the Dark Lord. Your initiation is next week, remember?_

It wasn't over yet. He hadn't pledged himself to Voldemort. It was his father who had pledged his life to Voldemort. At birth. He was not marked yet. He could run away.

_Even if you manage to get rid of me, you cannot run away. They will hunt you down._

_And if you do not remain here, who will protect Narcissa. _It hissed, _what do you think Lucius would do to her, after you run away?_

_Do you want to be responsible to the death of your own mother?_

He kicked the foot of his bed in frustration. He was trapped.

He sat up in bed, running a hand through his already tousled hair, licking his lips. He wanted her. All he had to do was close his eyes and he could already picture her in his mind. But that wasn't enough. He wanted touch her, and hold her.

He wanted so badly to be able to say sorry, start again. Something. Anything. He clenched the soft satin sheet in his hand. It felt like someone was twisting a dagger in his heart. He couldn't say sorry to her. He couldn't hold her. He couldn't touch her. From now on, he could only watch her. Watch her from afar. Pretend that last night never happened.

What choice did he have? The voice was right. He could love her, but it would only hurt her.

Pretending like it never happened didn't mean he would forget, he wouldn't. He just couldn't let her know how he felt.

He hated his life. He hated that he was a pureblood. He hated that his father was Lucius Malfoy, death eater and humble servant to Voldemort. He hated this blood curse.

He got off his bed and moved to the bathroom to wash up. He splashed some water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. He felt wretched, and it was showing on every part of his face. His hair was a tangled mess, his face was even paler than usual, his eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep. He watched his own mouth curl into a bittersweet smile. Which would hurt more? Watching the one you love suffer, because you rejected her? Or knowing  that if you didn't reject her, you would be the cause of her death?

He chose the former. Even if she was hurt (and he wasn't entirely sure that he loved him.) , she would move on and get over him eventually.

This pain was his to bear. If he went down with Voldemort, he was going alone.

***

He walked to the showers and paused, pulling off all his clothes till they landed in one heap.

He turned on the shower then closed eyes letting the hot water soak through his hair and splash over his body. He wished that the water could wash away all his problems with it.

***

After he finished showering, stood in the shower, watching the water drip from his body onto the tile floor. He thought about how ironic it was, that his plan to hurt Hermione had not only backfired, but even caused himself more pain. He leant his back against the wall, using his hand to trace her name onto the steamed up glass door.


End file.
